I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
i think both sides are to blame here
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Meeeee too!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.