Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
blocked.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
You know…for fall…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”