“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
For those that worship cheese..
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰