I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.