My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.