I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.