i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
how high up are we talkin’?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Social distancing in Australia:
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip