Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Whoa… oh I see lol
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change