Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*limbos away from your hug*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.