“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.