saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.