Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
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[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*