Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too