“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Pizza is an emotion right?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Flock of bats
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time