Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol