Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My five year plan is a meteorite
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
asking santa clause for nudes
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up