I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”