Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
WTF
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.