S/o to @funTweeters .
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Uh oh…
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.