My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?