I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
So glad we cleared that up
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
#DesignFail
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]