if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.