“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.