Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
You Might Also Like
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
The old gods are rising again.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’m already scared
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”