6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Monday
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Twitter dot com. *sigh*