In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
You Might Also Like
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog