safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Only short people can save us
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*