I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
When I snag the last meatball.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider