Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!