Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
We’ve all been there…
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Check your privilege