I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.