*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Brands during Pride
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.