Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive