Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Any refunds available?…
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
More like Kate Missington.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?