[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
#ParentingFacts
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Art by Pastelkatto
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
LOL!
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.