MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.