This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I put the hot in psychotic.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.