You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong