GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
i spent way too long on this
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
some things should go without saying
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”