I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.