I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry