Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
me, after any kind of buffet.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
(Jupiter –
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.