I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations