Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.