Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.