ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
This fish is cracking me up
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.