waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
They’re really bad with fonts.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life