You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life