Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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good let them take over I have had enough
When life hands you women, make women laid.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
@funTweeters
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no