Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
accurate
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.